Saturday, December 27, 2008

Gears of Woar 2

In all that I do I like to think I follow only one command: serve the Queen. So while the Lambent storm the Nexus and groundwalkers infiltrate our cities I follow orders and lead my troop off to guard an evacuation route in the middle of nowhere. I follow my orders, I don't have to like them. The humans have a saying, "Ignorance is bliss." I think that may be true. I understand the reasons for our variations; we all have a purpose, and we all know our purpose as it was the purpose we were born to. From the day I was spawned I have been a Theron Guard of the Queen. The drones fight and die, the generals command and plan, the wretches get distracted by shiny objects. The Theron Guards lead by example. My skill is the sword of the Queen, my strength is Her shield, and as the avatar of Her will I inspire the drones to victory. I often think the drones have it easier. They get to voice doubts about the orders they are given, since at the end of the day the responsibility to compel them to battle falls on the Theron. But if a Theron voices doubts about his orders, then General Skorge will reduce your head to a thin paste and wear your fangs as hair ornaments.

As we marched to wherever the generals seem to think is important we hear the constant commands of the Queen. We continuously hear Her promises that we shall seize the surface and destroy the Lambent, both at the same time. Personally, I thought a two-front war was a bad idea, but as stated I couldn't really say anything without being processed into snacks for the Boomers and Grinders. Then another voice cut in over the loudspeaker. A human voice came on and promised to whup all our asses as well as the ass of our Queen. This colorful rhetoric continued for about a minute before the loudspeakers were all shut down. At first I was annoyed that our defenses had allowed the groundwalkers into the palace grounds, but then I was relieved that I didn't have to listen to Her Majesty's constant prattle about our inevitable victory.

I turned to see if the troops were having the same thoughts on this as I was and, I swear by the Great Worm this is true, one of the drones was crying. I looked past him and saw that nearly the whole team was somewhat teary eyed, even that old grenadier who had served under me in no less than two campaigns. I knew drones weren't the sharpest bolt in the quiver, but I didn't expect them to really be that affected by some human's over emotional banter. The sobbing drone looked up at me with pitiful eyes and hiccupped "Are they really going to hurt the Queen?" As I looked into those sad, pathetic eyes I asked myself how the late, great RAAM would have handled a situation like this. With my left hand I patted the drone on the shoulder, and with my right hand jammed a torque bow arrow into his temple. I don't know enough about anatomy to know if a sharp object at that depth and at that location would cause immediate death, but I like to think that he lived long enough to contemplate his treason. From the look in his eyes I believe his last thoughts were of repentence before the warhead in the arrow removed the offending extremity from his body and liberated him from the need (and means) to contemplate such things.

I looked over his corpse and at the other drones under my command before barking "Who doubts the Queen?!" With that, they stifled their last sniffles and snapped to attention. I hissed "March!" and we continued. We marched off the defend some cave somewhere from humans or lambents or maybe magical rainbow colored kryll. It didn't really matter, I only had the one duty. Serve the Queen.

I Couldn't Be Bothered On Launch Day

Never let it be said that I don't like innovation. If it were not for innovation we'd still be living in caves and killing each other over the few available women. But in gaming, there is a bad habit of confusing innovation with quality. I can say with a completely straight face that Daikatana was a very innovative game for its time. Unfortunately, most of the development of that game was spent playing Quake while the designers pondered why the game hadn't magically created itself yet. Another very innovative game was Jurassic Park: Trespasser, a game so innovative it actually inspired alot of what we saw in Half-Life 1 and 2. Unfortunately they were trying so hard to be innovative that they didn't try to make the game good in any way, thus bringing us graphics so cruel to processors that a decade later the graphics are only a marginal improvement over Quake and still it manages to suffer slowdown on modern machines, and the physics engine hilariously lacked friction.

And all of that to say that I played Gears of War 2. I mentioned all of that because Gears of War is the antithesis of innovation. You play as a big tough manly man who wields the largest guns a human could realistically carry and battle subterranean mutants and there's lots of blood. There's a good amount of backstory, but that's all squirreled away in supplemental booklets that have been hidden on the dark side of the moon. In short, it's every shooter you've ever played. I would argue that they did a fine job of it. Okay, so nothing is new or groundbreaking, but at least I had fun making heads explode.

I was worried during some of the pre-release stuff. Mobile cover? More vehicles? While we're at it, let's just call it Halo. But everything seemed to work out for the better. The shields you can pick up only work with pistols, so your trading security for firepower. The heavy weapons have enough limitations that they don't turn into game breaking monsters. And I once compared Gears of War to a rail shooter and the vehicle sections stick to that tradition. Of course, some things have changed. The Unreal engine has been streamlined so textures don't spontaneously appear, instead they fade in creating the illusion that the camera is simply focussing. Also, the first Gears of War was about a single team on a single mission and the battlefield felt rather lonely. This time around it actually feels like you're part of a major campaign and you're not fighting alone out there. And then there are the difficulty levels. The original Gears of War had Casual, Hardcore, and Insane difficulties that were supposed to correspond with Easy, Normal, and Hard. Instead they corresponded with Normal, Hard, and Fuck You. Gears 2 adds the unimaginatively named Normal difficulty, with Casual being demoted to Easy. Between the two the enemies are just as smart and durable on Normal as on Casual, but with Casual the player has enough hit points to catch a nuclear warhead between his teeth and only be slightly singed.

To sum up, if you liked the original Gears of War then you'll like Gears of War 2 since they made everything better. If you didn't like Gears of War then nothing in Gears of War 2 is going to change your mind. And if you haven't played the original Gears of War then what are you using your XBox 360 for?

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

RRoD Blogovich

The public interest in his "saga" is so over.

My 360 is not.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Heil Myself, Heil To Mii..

I've recently been subjected to the New Wii Experie... I'm sorry, the New XBox Experience. If you've seen it then you understand the mistake. Besides being subjected to an opening movie celebrating the console which I already own considering I'm seeing the movie, I had to create an avatar for myself. This avatar will be promptly ignored forever.

Despite the promise of avatar games, I went ahead and downloaded the demo for EndWar instead. To the game's credit, the voice recognition system actually works surprisingly well. It can even compensate for those time you stammer out your orders because you started saying it before you really knew what you wanted to happen. On the down side, the AI can't interpret your orders, so anything not in the catch-phrase list won't be recognized. Also, I personally found it annoying that your camera is pinned to Unit 1, vastly limiting your field of vision for commanding your troops.

I also downloaded 1942 Joint Strike, which was an interesting inclusion in the franchise considering it has almost nothing to do with the original 1942. It didn't take hours to play like the original (but that's a good thing), most of the music seems lifted from 1943 instead of the pseudo-rythmic beeping of the original 1942 (also a good thing), and it lacks the weird sense of self loathing that permeated 1942, 1943, and 1943 Kai (Japan should hate itself more). Most people would argue that Ikaruga is the best shmup out there. I'm too old school for that. While 1942 Joint Strike isn't the best shmup to date (that honor goes to Progear), I feel it's better than Ikaruga. If Ikaruga is a shmup then Portal is a first person shooter.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


I prefer frozen food myself.

All systems green.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Damn You, Cole Porter!

I rented Fallout 3, and now my dad is a fan of Galaxy News Radio. I just find it funny that his music won't become popular again until civilization burns itself to the ground.

Zug Zug

58 hours to Wrath of the Lich King, at which point my 360 will likely enter into the nebulous realm of "Schrodinger's Console".

Until then, I can tell you it is working.

Friday, November 7, 2008


360 posts on my blog, and my 360 still works.

Monday, November 3, 2008


2PM: The California GOP attacks Obama's visit to his grandmother, saying he improperly used campaign funds.

5PM: The MSM reports that Obama's grandmother died late Sunday night, losing her battle with cancer.

Shortly After 5PM: The California GOP's faces turn a party appropriate color, a color my 360 does not share.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Shared Attributes

My 360 is like the McCain campaign; bitter, spiteful and unwilling to die.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Working on Saturdays Sucks

Unless it's your 360 that's working.

Monday, October 20, 2008


Colin Powell phoned in this morning to let you all know my 360 is still working.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The great debate

Today two important men will engage in a grand old debate. The topic: "Is that 360 going to finally bite it tonight?"

McCain is obviously hoping for a last minute RRoD to clinch his side, but I think that Obama's going to do well to assume that it keeps working.

Not A PC

Well, my PC is working again. For those of you who are waiting for me to come back to WoW (you know who you are), it may not be tonight. There is well over a gig worth of patching that needs doing, then I plan on defragmenting this bitch. So that may not be finished until midnight at this rate. So for those of you who are wondering, I may be typing this on a PC, but I'm still a Mac.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Gears Of Woar

I honestly don't remember much from Emergence Day. I was too young to take away anything other than lots of running and screaming. You always perceive things differently as a child. One minute you're watching Power Rangers, the next minute the house is on fire. You're sad that the dog's dead, your happy that a Brumack decided the school was the shortest route to its firing position. You're happy to hear that your asshole teacher bought it when a Corpser came up under his car, then a few years later you're sad that you had such a thought. Then you grow out of puberty and remember what an asshole he was. In retrospect, if my parents hadn't been crying and shouting so much I'd have thought the evacuation to Jacinto was the most fun day of my life.

Children are honest, often brutally so. And they have a habit of quickly pointing out to everyone in earshot that something is ridiculous or stupid. We need more children in the military. Mistake #1: I'm in Gamma Squad. My commanding officer thinks it is the epitome of wit to call us "The Fighting Gams." What little respect I had for Lt. Stevenson evaporated when he first said that. Apparently Stevenson isn't the first pseudo-educated idiot to command Gamma. We have a long history of stupidity. Col. Hoffman is under the impression that any plan, no matter how retarded, that has so much as a 1 in a million chance of helping the war effort must be implemented. But Hoffman isn't so dumb that he'd send his best and brightest off to demolish imulsion refineries, thereby denying them to an enemy that doesn't even use it. So while Alpha Squad is out as part of a plan to use some new superweapon to end the war, Gamma Squad is sending four guys to try and build some kind of militia out of the Stranded. Because they already did that a decade ago in order to survive and EVERYONE is aware of the C.O.G.s Stranded recruitment programs. But nonetheless we're getting sent out to insure that something that's already happening is started.

The four of us were dropped off inside the city. There was myself, Lt. Stevenson, John, and Franklin. Stevenson was a confirmed idiot. John just always seemed off, having a dozen different conspiracy theories regarding mind control experiments hidden in microwave dinners. Franklin kept showing us pictures and telling us what he was going to do with his kids when the war was over. But we knew for a fact that the pictures weren't of Franklin's children and he, in fact, had no kids. He was recruited out of prison, he received a full pardon in return for military service. Only a unit's CO was given the details of a gear's incarceration, and when we asked Stevenson about it he just giggled. As for myself, I had signed up for the gears back when I was young and stupid enough to think I was going to single-handedly win the war and save the world.

It was only a few blocks to the Stranded settlement, and for reasons none of us could fathom John felt the need to shift every wrecked car we passed into neutral. We reached the settlement uneventfully and, when challenged by the gate keeper, Stevenson said he needed to let us in because we had urgent COG business. Which really won them over because most of these people felt that the government had abandoned them 14 years earlier. One of the sentries almost started shooting at us before some Stranded came up and threw a metal jug at our feet. He said that if one of us could down the whole thing in one go he'd let us in. The guys all looked at me and I suddenly regretted having drank them all under the table a few months back.

I woke up with a bitching hangover, and then I noticed I was ass naked and lying next to an unconscious Berserker. At that point Franklin and several Stranded came in and started laughing their asses off. I ran outside and, while still naked, started vomiting. It had less to do with the hangover and more to do with what possibly could have happened in the night. As I started to dress myself I asked how they had managed to knock a Berserker unconscious. They didn't really answer except to say that it had taken less Wild Turkey than they had expected. One of them then pointed out bloodstains on the sheets and elaborated on what they meant. I promptly started to vomit again at the thought of having been her first time.

Franklin and John were still laughing at me when sentries started to yell out warnings of Locust incoming. We got up to the walls and saw a mass of them coming down the street, a few Theron Guards leading a battalion of drones and grenadiers. And one Brumack. I couldn't imagine why they needed artillery but there it was. There wasn't much of a plan or strategy, we all just started shooting. It was like a war of attrition, the side with the best accuracy would win. And if everyone couldn't shoot straight then the Locust would win with sheer numbers.

John got weirder than usual as he started firing like a lunatic and shouting at the top of his lungs.
"I have to kill the Locust!"
"John, you are the Locust."
And then John was a Drone.
We were all a little confused by that, but not so confused that I didn't cut him in two with "The Great Communicator," as I had started to call my lancer. I was focussed enough to kill him but I was honestly baffled as to what had happened. Apparently, a Locust grenadier was too, as he had come out of cover to get a better look at the spectacle. I looked at him, he looked at me, and I swear he shrugged in disbelief before a Stranded sniper took his head off.

And then the Berserker woke up. And she was pissed. Through all the gunfire and screaming I didn't think the Berserker would be able to hear well enough to find a target. She then locked her blind eyes on me and charged. I managed to jump out of the way and was barely on my feet before she charged again. She sniffed the air, stared right at me, and came screaming like a banshee. She remembered my scent from the night before and was keyed in on me. I started running deeper into the settlement. If there was any truth to the manuals the military gave us her sense of smell was for finding targets, not tracking them. She wasn't a bloodhound, and if I could get a respectable distance away she wouldn't be able to smell me through the blood and gunsmoke.

I didn't like the idea of being off the firing line and I downright hated the idea of leaving a Berserker wandering around inside the settlement. Having gotten a safe distance away, I came up with an incredibly stupid idea befitting Gamma Squad. I dropped my pants and took off my underwear. I then wrapped it around a rock, took the long way around the Berserker back to the fighting and told Franklin my idea. He laughed at me for what seemed like several minutes before he agreed to help me. Using my boxers we coaxed the Berserker over and Franklin hurled it into the mass of Locust. I don't know if it was an accident or planned, but Franklin managed to land my underwear on the Brumack's head, something he didn't notice and the Berserker was to blind and angry to tell the difference. The fight was short but brutal. The Brumack managed to crush the Berserker under the combined weight of himself and his guns, but several right hooks to his head had left him woozy. He managed to fire an artillery round into a building right next to himself, causing the building to collapse, crushing the Brumack and a few dozen Locust. It also managed to block off the street they were approaching from.

I could hear the Theron Guards hissing orders to fall back. I couldn't tell if it was a retreat or if they were just regrouping, I didn't care, it felt like a win. Minutes later we found out what happened to Stevenson, as narrated by a blood soaked 13 year old. Apparently he was snorting crank off her chest when an explosion from a grenade caused a piece of debris to hit him at just the right angle with just enough force to throw his head down, driving the plastic tube he was using for his narcotic escapades right up into his sinuses. He seemed to have drowned in his own blood.

Franklin and I decided it was time to get out of the clusterfuck. 2 of us were dead, 2 of us were publicly humiliated, and one of us had undergone a physically impossible metamorphosis. We called for Ravens and were told we'd have to wait a few hours. Apparently Delta Squad was out saving the world and they were hogging every available helicopter. They were winning the war. I had deflowered a Berserker. They talk about proudly telling your grandkids about what you did during the war. I think the war just drove me to celibacy.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Good News Bad News

The goods news is my 360 still works.

The bad news is the economy is tanking.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

In the news

Today the economy, the presidency, and Oprah all took a backseat to the following fact:

My 360 still works.

After over a week of hearing nothing, this fact was released by the "Seriously, what's wrong with all of your 360s?" group. Yes, they are jerks.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

I'm Too Fat

You know how the 360 controller is that plastic-y white? The "handlebars" (or whatever you want to call them, the part where your palm is) are starting to stain yellow. I say starting, but it's actually really noticeable and a little unnerving. Then again, what do you expect from a guy who tried to beat "OverLord" in one sitting. I didn't make it, but the act of trying certainly says bad things.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008


The economy, I mean. Not the 360; that works fine.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I'm a Mac...

I'm not a PC. My PC is currently dead. When I finally get around to fixing it, I'm seriously considering "downgrading" to Windows XP because Vista was a broken nightmare of an OS.

I'm also not very "PC" in that I keep calling Sgt. Griggs in CoD4 my "black up." I'd do the same to Cole in Gears of War, but the level of writing shown in that game implies that Cliffy. B beat me to the punch. Well, at least none of them got named Superfly Johnson (thanks Romero).

Another Week, Another Update

I'm in full swing of my WoW addiction, but I've still taken the time out of my week to let you know that my 360 is still better than yours because it's working.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


It has been too long since I last updated. I was too busy playing WoW on the PTR with the SDBGJKAB and the HTNANRZFQ. Yes, I am making up acronyms.

It still works, get over it.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Netflix for Games

I'm trying out Gamefly so I can rent all those games I never wanted to buy and see if they're actually any good. Suggestions accepted, since I don't pay enough attention to tell the cult hits from the crap.

Oh, and the white hourglass continues to shine green.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

A Dream Come True

While playing Dead Rising on 'Infinity Mode' I ran into Otis. He tried to hit me with a frying pan, and for some reason seemed to do no damage whatsoever. I promptly caved his head in with a baseball bat. I somehow feel complete now.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Blue Fire Incident

It probably isn't a top priority in the military, but we should work on some kind of IFF system for ground troops. Consider the "Death from Above" mission in CoD4. Provide cover for the good guys and kill the bad guys. The good guys will be white, the bad guys will be white. To make it easier, the good guys will also have white on them. If that sounds annoying, there is an option to make the good guys black and the bad guys black, and the good guys will have black on them.

Monday, September 8, 2008


I'm sure someone stopped and thought, "Hmm... I wonder if that guy's 360 died over the weekend." If that wasn't the case I have no justification for my existence and will have to drown my tears by imagining I can actually play the guitar via Rock Band.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

New Old Busted Hotness

I got somebody's refurbished XBox 360 today. So if any of you had your 360 die, I might be playing on your repaired console. It came with 1 month of free XBox Live, a warranty extension, and a sincere apology. For the next few days any (infrequent) updates I post will mostly be me ranting on Call of Duty 4. I won't be doing regular updates myself because the point of this blog was the durability of my original XBox 360, not my certified pre-owned 360.

Traffic Light Game

I tried it with my 360, but the light stays green.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Waveform Uncollapsed

I didn't use my 360 last night. I'm sure the suspense as to whether it's working or not is killing you.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Still Alive

Yay Portal.

Boo, my 360 still works.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Friday, August 29, 2008

It's not easy being green...

I have the GRoD, the Green Ring of Delight. All you RRoD people can QQ Moar.

If I come off as aloof, elitist, condescending and a jerk, it's because I want to see how quickly I force the hand of fate.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Beware I Live

I have been conscripted into continuing the tradition of functional 360s. First, a few facts.

I've had my 360 since August of 06. I initially played countless hours of Dead or Alive 4 and Dead Rising on it before it began a master's course in gathering dust. Armored Core 4, Halo 3, Grand Theft Auto 4, Ninja Gaiden 2 and a few other games have piqued my interest occasionally, but most of the time I use the 360 for playing anime DVDs.

The recent acquisition of Rock Band has once again increased my 360's use, and it is still working. The only issue was when I accidentally unplugged the guitar during a track in the middle of one of those "keep hitting that same note a million times in a few seconds at regular intervals" sections. That was fun.

So yes, my 360 is still working and therefore I am better than all of you.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

A New Era?

I've invited a new author with a functional XBox 360 which is older than mine was to co-author this blog. Of course, I'm only assuming this is what the people want considering that only 3 people answered the question in my previous post and two of them know me personally.

On an unrelated note, I saw a commercial for Square-Enix's "Infinite Undiscovered" and my brain melted. I can put up with a lot of inexplicable titles from the Japanese, like Final Fantasy (which has about 30 installments), Romancing SaGa, Parasite Eve, Lucky Star, Soul Blazer, and Hideaki Anno. But "Infinite Undiscovered" means NOTHING! It's not even irrelevant! If it was irrelevant, it would at least mean something, but in an entirely unrelated context. But Infinite Undiscovered doesn't mean anything in any context. I see a trend here, the equally inexplicable "Honey & Clover" pissed me off to no end.

Monday, August 18, 2008

This Was That Hubris Thing We Mentioned

So the grand experiment of letting everyone know my XBox 360 still worked has failed. I'm still waiting for the box that I'm supposed to use to ship it back to Micro$oft, and I'm just hoping it doesn't arrive on the same day as my copy of CoD4. That would be a little too ironic.

So while I'm waiting for a new refurbished XBox I ask all of you what I should do with this blog. Should I just pick up where I left off, only this time regarding my refurbished 360? Should I just abandon this blog, seeing as how its original purpose no longer exists? Or should I harass a friend of mine to continue this thing in regards to his older, still functional XBox 360? Well folks, what's going to happen with this?

Friday, August 15, 2008

It Had To Happen One Day

Shut up, just shut up.

EDIT: And the girl at Starbucks forgot to put coffee in my coffee.

Cruise Control

Sorry about the lack of updates. It's just that I ordered "Call of Duty 4" and I'm sorta coasting until it arrives. And in case you're still wondering, the XBox 360 is still working.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Keep This Between Us

My XBox 360 is still in perfect working order. And I refuse to regret buying Star Trek: Legacy.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Statistical Certainty

My XBox 360 is still functioning normally. Show of hands: how many people are here just to see how long before it dies?

While playing Ghost Recon today I got the "Sniper" achievement. You get that for scoring a total of 500 headshots in multi-player. They don't mention how you should get those headshots. I just took a light machinegun and unloaded it in the general direction of the enemy. One hundred thousand bullets later I'm sure there were a few headshots in there.

Friday, August 8, 2008

All Alliterations Are Ailing

My XBox 360 is still in working order. And bother all this alliterative nonsense. I don't know why I kept it up this long.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Macross Marketing Makes Me Mad

My XBox 360 is still doing just fine.

Apparently Bandai/Namco are making a Macross game! It will feature the original Macross, Do You Remember Love?, Macross Plus, Macross Seven, and Macross Frontier! And it's coming to the PSP. YOU SONS OF BITCHES! I say that now, but I'll probably end up forgiving them (again) once I've played Soul Caliber 4.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

More Macross Mayhem

My XBox 360 is still working just peachy.

Many of you probably don't remember the forgettable "Robotech: Battlecry." The graphics seemed more like an experiment in cell shading than an actual effort, the story was pitiful, and the level design bordered on non-existent. But it had some really fantastic controls, especially considering that you were expected to transform your fighter-jet/giant-robot on the fly. If nothing else, the controls were smooth and intuitive. I bring this up because I really want to see a proper Macross game on a current generation console. I really want to see that happen because every time I play Ace Combat 6, the song "What 'bout My Star" keeps looping in my head.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Macross Missile Massacre

My XBox 360 is starting to run better than my PS2. For some reason my PS2 decided it doesn't like God of War. My 360 has yet to reject a game out of spite.

I'm curious as to what the super plane for the next Ace Combat (presuming there will be one) will be. Ace Combat 4 had the X-02, which was banned from competition for being so darn super but it was only a skosh better than the SU-35 and F-22. Ace Combat 5 and Zero had the ridiculously over-powered FALKEN which looked like it came out of a Gradius game and was armed with a laser cannon. Ace Combat 6 has the Nosferatu, which I would say was a return to more "realistic" super planes if it weren't for the fact that it could fire a dozen guided missiles at individual targets in one missile salvo. Now if we could get it to transform into a giant robot with an assault rifle I'd be set.

Monday, August 4, 2008


My XBox 360 still works just fine.

With all the new technology and software available to us, and I specifically reference Spore here, I would like to see the old Sim games come back. Specifically SimAnt. It was a surprisingly good simulation of ant colonies, but with modern software it would actually manage to take over our computers and destroy us all with our own nuclear arsenal!

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Age Before Beauty

My XBox 360 is still in proper working order. My most recent lack of updates is due to my PC crapping out on me. My 360 has actually outlived my PC. I'm typing this on my Mac. The old girl is showing her age, but at least she still works.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

My Eyes!

My XBox 360 is still working fine and dandy.

If I still have any readers who aren't refugees from my LiveJournal, maybe you can answer a question. What is the "lucid" video setting in Gears of War? I know default is brown, soft is fuzzy brown, and vibrant is less brown. But what is lucid?

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Frog Blast The Vent Core!

My 360 is still in working order. This is all you really come here for anyway, isn't it?

Monday, July 28, 2008

Big Tough Manly Games

My XBox 360 is still working just fine, thank you.

I see some of the stuff for the upcoming Gears of War 2 and I start to worry. With each new gameplay video or screenshot it starts to look more and more like Halo. That wouldn't be a bad thing if I wanted to play Halo, but I want to play Gears of War. Hopefully the gimmicks don't overtake the core gameplay, hopefully.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

I Eat Lions

My XBox 360 continues to work properly. How many different ways can I say it?

I've heard some people accuse Gears of War of having homo-erotic subtext, but I honestly don't see it. I guess some people look at the game and say "there is no woman on screen, therefore all the men are gay." Personally, I think that if you're seeing homo-erotic subtext (as opposed to those works with explicit homosexual themes) in media, it says more about you than about you than it does the media.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Follow Freeman!

My XBox 360 is still running strong.

And I don't care what Mossman says, I'm declaring the gravity gun to be a toy! I can find no practical applications for its awesomeness!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Even Greater Failure

My XBox 360 is still running just fine. And I have nothing else to say, unfortunately.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Maybe It's Therapeutic?

My XBox 360 is still up and running.

I challenge someone with arachnophobia to play through Earth Defense Force 2017 without ever once becoming uncomfortable. Actually, the methods displayed in that game are the same ones I use to deal with spiders in my house.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Remember The Marathon

My XBox 360 continues to work properly. It seems I have yet to jinx it with this blog.

I find it interesting that the longer someone has followed the Halo franchise, the less interested we get with each passing installment. I was following Halo back when it was entirely rumors and innuendo. When we finally started to see gameplay and story details, it was going to be a squad-based third-person shooter exclusive to the Sega Dreamcast. Things have changed a bit since then.

Monday, July 21, 2008

The Wall

My XBox 360 continues to function normally. Seriously, after over a year of this I'm losing sympathy for all you RRoD people.

I know Tom Clancy is a touch on the conservative side of the political spectrum, but do you think the people behind "Ghost Recon: Advanced WarFighter" could have made the bad guys a little more "Traffic" Mexican and a little less "Mind of Mencia" Mexican? Yes, I think GRAW is less racially sensitive than Resident Evil 5.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Crippling Lack of Imagination

My XBox 360 continues to work normally.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Giant Killer Robots

I'm starting to run out of ways to say that my XBox 360 continues to function without problems. So I'll just say plainly that it's still working.

And Kamille: next time you want to start angsting over "why everyone keeps dying" please consider that, as of the Gryps Conflict, YOU are the leading cause of death in the galaxy.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Why Everyone Keeps Dying

In the life of every XBox 360 there comes a time when it must retire, and a red ring descends to let us know that the time of passing is at hand. At least that's what I heard, because mine still runs fine!

Blizzard has announced that the next expansion to World of Warcraft will now feature "Achievements" akin to what is already seen on the XBox 360. And like XBox achievements they will have many practical applications, such as serving as a measuring stick for your e-penis and... uh... other useful things I'm sure.

Thursday, July 17, 2008


The XBox 360 continues to survive, though I don't think it appreciates me constantly yelling at it that Zechs "is a CHAR!"

No real news to mention except talking murloc plushies (
Part of me died inside.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

And That's The Way It Is

My 360 almost froze up today, but it was a false alarm and it continues to run fine (probably my fault for trying to put Char in the Epyon).

So rumor has it that Resident Evil 5 will feature multi-player. Since multi-player worked out so very well in Resident Evil: Outbreak. Ah, I remember the hours wasted while my partner ran into a wall and mouthed off at me that it was my fault. And everybody was a cop. Everyone.

Also, the Nintendo Wii will finally be getting a motion sensitive controller. I'm glad that it is because it could really use one. It theoretically has one now, but I've never seen anything happen on screen that even remotely corresponded to what I was doing with the controller.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

In Other News

My XBox 360 continues it's brutal reign unopposed.

Having seen the trailer for the upcoming Max Payne movie I can only hope the trailer is lying. There had better not be angels or similar supernatural elements in the movie. If there are angels than the movie would have to be incredibly kick-ass to make me forgive this betrayal of the source material.
Also Square-Enix has announced that Final Fantasy 13 will be a multi-console release. And I couldn't care less. Mostly because I'm not a big Final Fantasy fan. The only time I enjoyed a Final Fantasy game was when I used the GameShark to break Final Fantasy 10 so hard you could hear the audible cracks in the programming code. And I'll admit to be curious about Final Fantasy 12 because I'm told it's the Final Fantasy for people who hate Final Fantasy.
Some people are calling this the final nail in the PS3's coffin. I'd say it isn't. I love my 360, but honestly the PS3 is putting up stiff competition here in the States and is dominating the global market. A crippling lack of any interesting exclusives notwithstanding. Some say that the XBox performs poorly in Japan due to marketing problems, but I'll just say that the Japs are xenophobic and are buying Sony more out of nationalist loyalty. If it has to do with 360 hardware failures, just look at this blog. And why pay nearly twice as much for a system if any games I want are either 360 exclusives or get multi-platform releases? The Sony fanboys try to defend the PS3's paltry library (I won't get into a hardware debate because, yes, the PS3 is superior there), but let's look at what games there are and whether I want to shell out the money for a PS3 over them:

Resistance: Fall of Man- I already have Gears of War, thanks. Wait, it's a different game? Well, if you say so.

MGS4- Only odd numbered Metal Gear Solid games are any good. Rose ruins everything.

Any racing title- You're probably one of those people who thinks drifting didn't exist until the early 21st century (actually started in the '50s).

Little Big Planet- If you ever even presume I would be caught dead playing that, I ask you to go fuck yourself and die.

Sorry, it's been one of those days.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Koei Teaches History

My 360 continues to show the vitality and tenacity of a lawyer for the Church of Scientology.

Oftentimes, when trying to adapt a story from history, real history just isn't interesting enough. That's where artistic license comes in. It can really help make a story interesting. I forget where I saw it, but there exists a list of movies that were improved by their historical inaccuracies. But sometimes it can go a bit too far. The Dynasty Warriors games (and its spawn) are a fine example of this. Having a clear, definitive victor at the battle at Wu Zhang? Acceptable. Having Edward the Black Prince team up with Henry V to battle Joan D'Arc, with elephants, and wizards? Okay guys, now you're starting to push it. Having Paptimus Scirocco and his harem team up with Judau Ashta to battle against Master Asia? Damn it, this was already fiction BEFORE you guys messed with it!

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Pretty Bullets

The XBox 360 continues its march towards victory. Victory over... something.

I have a soft spot for shmups but I'll be honest and say that Ikaruga is starting to grate my nerves. It's not that it's bad, far from it. But it flies in the face of established shmupping conventions. Normally, you're supposed to dodge incoming fire. Ikaruga encourages you to fly face first into enemy bullets (presuming they're properly color coded). This wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't that I was so distracted by figuring out what color I was supposed to be that I crashed into a wall. The vast majority of my deaths in that game have been wall related. Couldn't I just go back to dodging bullets? I'll go play Donpachi now.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Would You Kindly?

Still up and running despite the fact that I could make soup on the heat brick.

Still on BioShock, I understand that the ability to shoot bees is pretty cool. But it's incredibly impractical, in both the game and real life. If you want to hurt someone, bees could certainly hurt but lighting them on fire probably hurts more. If you want to stun or distract them, in reality they are more likely to run away from the bees than stand in one place swatting, and in the game you have the ability to freeze people. Also, I'm no entomologist, but I'm fairly certain bees don't have some kind of IFF signal to differentiate between the bee shooter and the bee target. This applies in-game, as your own bees will attack you if they lose the target. Crowning moment of cool but impractical? Maybe.

Friday, July 11, 2008


No news. Migraine.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

It Keeps Going and Going...

My 360 is running like Jack Chick from an angry God.

What will probably end up happening is that everything after the first sentence of a post is going to turn into a commentary on whatever game I'm playing. Twenty bucks says most of you will stop reading after the first sentence.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

And So 1 Day Passes

The XBox 360 is still running. And let me tell you something, BioShock really cranks up the difficulty between 'easy' and 'medium' settings. I mean, if it weren't for the whole 'vita-chamber immortality' spiel then medium difficulty would actually be decently challenging without being frustrating. But on easy difficulty you have to be actively suicidal in order to die. It's a bit disconcerting when you first play the game on easy, then notch up the difficulty only to find that the cannon fodder now takes up to 4 shotgun blasts to the head at point blank range to go down.

1 Year And Still Going

Just getting this started by letting you know that, as of yesterday, my XBox 360 is still working.